It’s been a year since I wrote anything down because I unconsciously chose to sabotage myself and the blogger in me. Questioning my own worth as a writer, and trying to find my ‘subject’, became tiresome and I did what I generally never do, I stopped. Instead I chose to wear the Mumma hat until it got so big I was choking on the brim. Succumbing to the no sleep, no me time, no damn time for anything but baby club was all my weary mind and body could muster.
Everything dropped, yoga and subsequently my health, my mojo and self esteem, followed by motivation to want to do anything. In this out of control spiral, there is only one way I was heading…down. As always, until I am way down, trying to crawl up and oil soaked bucket down, I can’t spot it. Or should I say I don’t want to admit to it.
Who does. Who really wants to say, hey you know what, I feel shit. I feel shit every single day.
And who wants to hear it…every single god damn day. Does anyone really know where I’m coming from in this tragic story I have created for myself. It’s dark and heavy, owning every cell in my body until I’m breathing only into my chest quickly and desperately. I don’t want to see you, I don’t want to see anyone. Angry beyond belief at myself and the world, THE WORLD?
I’m crying, not crying…hollering, breaking.
It’s obvious now of course, now I’ve had the eureka moment where I’ve literally stepped out of my body, looked at myself directly in the eyes and gone what the fuck are you doing. When was it ever reasonable to stop growing? When did you think anyone would come along and drag you out of this? When would you finally realise you can’t run away this time? At what point did you forget who your were? How much you really love your slowly decaying body? All the tools you have learnt along the way to to end up at this place again.
WAKE UP CALL.
And now I can breathe again, but it hurts. My lungs have gotten used to short intakes of breath that feed the anxiety I so happily welcomed back after it left me so abruptly the last time.
What do I need?
I need space, time, food, water, sleep, ground, art, meditation, yoga, connection, friendship, LOVE…I need love. To love myself from my core, to illuminate my path once more with love. To embrace the love I already have but have been blinded by the shadow of the deep pocket I created. That comfortable agony to keep me from the treasure that was coming to me from this latest stretch of depression.
And it all comes flooding into me, I suddenly feel like a genius at my own life. I’m gonna win the Abel prize for this recovery. I want to meditate, like right now. Where’s all my meditation app’s, when did they go, when did I stop meditating. Writing, where’s my journal and a pen. The pen doesn’t work, it’s not quick enough. I lick it, shit that actually works. Go, word after word spilling out of me as if I haven’t spoken in… well, a year. I need to write, like right now, all the time. The house is filthy, I’m filthy, clean up, change up. C’mon let’s do this.
Hello me, hello small glimpse of me. And where the hell have you been, what on earth was so important that you decided to go on a bloody backpacker expedition without inviting me along. Wow I’ve missed you.
And so I write. I write for me and I write for every single person that chooses to slip into the big top hat of life. To journey to the depths of ourselves, to find out what it is we need to know in order to move forward and spread our fingertips a little bit higher.
I currently acknowledge this recent journey and write to know where I’ve been, until next time my fellow hero hat friend.
Excerpt from yesterday’s journal entry:
This life is a funny one, sometimes a struggle (resistance) other times a holiday (acceptance). Both equally as important on this journey of discovery. I am accessing my child from within once more, hungry for the knowledge to keep on evolving. Starving this child, by causing suffering, only makes us sick and stuck, unable to learn the necessary steps to move forward to reach another milestone. Nurturing this child with love enables us to thrive and learn quicker the answers we need to know.
Love your inner child, love youself and in turn you will receive all that you know in that instance and move.