After five years of galavanting around different Countries and generally having a brilliant life, I found myself in a little bit of a situation. I’m pregnant on the other side of the world and it’s not the way I had envisaged it. Why would you wait until in a stable relationship with a fixed abode and buckets of savings. Because that’s just not my way and Baby K chose the exact moment I had glandular fever and had broken up with the father to attach herself to my uterus. I am however delighted, what an absolute gift, and I’m ready. At 31 I have completed everything I had on my list and quite frankly I did wonder what I would be doing next.
Now picture this Skype conversation. It’s a Sunday evening, the only time I can Skype my parents and the worst time for me in Australia just before bedtime urghhhh. Friday’s and Saturday’s were out for those were spent drinking wine on a rooftop in the city and no-one wants to Skype the parents on a hangover. So I’m lying on my bed psyching myself up to tell my parents that in six months time they would be expecting the first baby in the family and I need a diversion big time. Luckily I had just become an Australian citizen and I was holding a shiny new passport in my hand. Nice, a visual distraction.
“Hi Mum, Hi Dad how was your weekend, what’s the weather like?”
Small talk, small talk.
“So….I’ve got two pieces of news for you”
And my stomach has separated from my body and is making it’s way to the core of the earth. I can barely get the words out through my barren mouth.
“I’ve got my citizenship…look here’s my passport”.
And my Mum knows. My Mum knows that the second bit of news is going to be a bombshell. She can smell my fear and is staring directly at me.
“And you’re going to be grandparents”
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…
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They are looking at me, I’m looking at myself.
…
…
…
Ok time to use a lifeline.
“And I’m coming home”.
BOOM.
Too much. Way too much. In my mind I thought this would be a joyous occasion, in my parents mind my Mum is catatonic and my Dad’s heart has just stopped.
“I know I’ve said that I’m coming home at least four times now but I really am this time and isn’t it going to be great and the dog is coming and I’m handing my notice in tomorrow and this time I really am going to do it I just can’t wait to see you and have a christmas at home I’m too excited and I’ve contacted the couriers already and paid the deposit to get the dog back”.
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…
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Ok so they’re going to need a cooling off period…a six month long one it turned out. If you ever find yourself in this situation, and I suggest you don’t, run.
So I’m back in the UK, ouch, still living with my parents with Baby K and my dog. On a side note, I have asked my parents for a dog every single day since the day I could talk and they said no. Now they have one as bonus add on.
Now I’ve pretty much spent half a decade, including a year in therapy, trying not to become my parents and finding out who I really am without them and what I want in life. Fast forward nine months and you can hardly tell the difference between me and my Dad and my Mum is currently waving a student loan repayment letter in my face whilst I’m trying to get a screaming Baby K into a vibrating chair. Bliss. We are just about operating as a family after some dark moments that would give an episode of Eastenders a run for it’s money on ratings. Here is some advice if you are considering making the move:
- Do not move back in with your parents with a baby and a dog.
- Remember what it was like being 15 again because that is your new age.
- Get used to hair, lot’s of it, especially on soap.
- Know your place in the toilet queue, in fact the bathroom in general, you are last.
- Never complain. Don’t even have an opinion otherwise it will be taken as a insult.
- That woollen top you love, pretend that it fits you perfectly after it comes out of the wash two sizes smaller and later cry into it as you use it’s new flannel like feel to wash away your tears.
- Get the tea order right even if every person in the house has a different tea, in a different cup depending on what time of day it is.
- Never ever try and move anything or clear up, it is not seen as helpful like they have taught you, it is seen as a violation of their personal space and how dare you say the house is dirty. I never said anything.
- Remember to send a message when you get there safely.
- Recycle everything, even that small piece of cardboard that comes with socks otherwise your bin will be raided.
- Do not forget to lock every one of the three doors before you leave the house, that’s five locks in total and for shucks sake put the house alarm on.
- Learn to embrace the “are you warm enough, is the baby warm enough, is the dog warm enough do you need a coat” question. It happens daily, at least three times.
- If all else fails retreat to your bedroom and adopt the speak only when spoken to rule.
DISCLAIMER: I love my parents dearly, they are my world and I would not be where I am without them.
onewomancottage 